Aging and Beauty

“I hate it,” he said dismissively. “You look nothing that.”
 
Ever the sensitive one, I cringed at my husband’s assessment of my headshot. The one I’d been using on my website and social media accounts for months. Was the selfie really that bad, or did I simply look old? I was afraid to ask.
 
According to my driver’s license and my brand-new Medicare card, I am old. Officially. I may not feel old, or even think of myself as old, but the government insists otherwise. 
 
Yes, my previously blond hair is now a shimmery silver-gray, but I’ve embraced the look. It’s easier to maintain, healthier, and considerably less expensive than dying it every six weeks. Besides, I receive compliments all the time from women wanting—but afraid—to do the same thing.
 
Yes, my face is lined with wrinkles, and I am startled whenever I see myself reflected in the mirror, no matter my expression. The furrows around my mouth deepen when I frown, while the crinkles framing my eyes intensify when I smile. While I confess to trying Botox and other anti-aging treatments, the cost of defying gravity is astronomical.
 
Yes, I carry too much weight around my midsection and the skin on my upper arms sags, but I have been lifting heavy and doing resistance training at the local gym for nearly two years. The progress is just painstakingly slow. Muscle, it seems, takes far longer to build than fat.
 
So, with my husband’s critical assessment ringing in my ears, I booked a session with a professional photographer, hoping the result would be at least one photo he’d find appealing. 
 
In the days leading up to the appointment, I scoured Pinterest and social media to see what other women wear in their profile photos. Recognizing that patterned tops are out, and neutrals are in, I pulled together three black-on-black outfits. On the morning of the shoot, I spent extra time styling my hair and applying my makeup, hoping my efforts would project a younger, carefree, and somehow more polished version of myself.
 
From the moment I arrived at 27 Creative Studio in Berlin, Maryland, owner and photographer Katie Horseman was delightful. Sensing my discomfort, she immediately put me at ease, and before I knew what was happening, her camera was snapping away. I became immersed in the fun and spontaneity of the session, forgetting all about my pesky crow’s feet as I posed and smiled at her direction.
 
By the time I left the studio, I was aglow with self-confidence. And when Katie shared a short reel and a sampling of photos on Instagram a few days later, the positive response was overwhelming. Thank you to all my family and followers for your kind words and heart emojis!
 
Like most women of a certain age, becoming older and losing physical beauty is a challenging and humbling season. A season with no known end date, but one I must endure for the remainder of my earthly existence. One moment I am preoccupied with my appearance to the point of vanity, while the next I struggle to find a single feature I like about myself.

A confessor once told me that this vacillating mindset is the very essence of Aristotle’s theory on the golden mean, where virtue lies halfway between two excessive vices, i.e., vanity and self-hatred. Virtue is mine if only I can locate and settle on that precarious midway point.
 
Why do we struggle to acknowledge and embrace the beauty inherent within us? Why do we not find comfort in the truth that, as John and Stasi Eldredge write in their book Captivating, Unveiling The Mystery of A Woman's Soul, “true beauty comes from a depth of soul that can only be attained through living many years well”? In other words, why do we doubt that we have always been beautiful, and that we shall only become more beautiful with the passage of time?
 
I’ll say it again: I am a work in progress. In addition to becoming more beautiful, I pray that, with each passing day, year, and decade, I become more of the woman the Father created me to be. For it is only through His love, the mercy of Jesus Christ, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that I shall truly become her. God's beloved daughter. Gray hairs, fine lines, crepey skin, and all. 
 
Katie Horseman Instagram: @27.Creative.Studio