Seeking Authentic Joy

For most of my adult life, I sought joy in the pleasures of the flesh. Earthly delights that were short-lived and, more often than not, left me wanting more. More of the same, or something else entirely, but something–anything–that would satisfy the desperate longing in my body, mind, heart, and soul. 
 
My story is not unique. In the post-Roe era of women’s liberation and feminism, I reached adulthood believing that I deserved and could achieve everything and anything I set my mind to. No matter what, and especially no matter that I had been raised in a large Catholic family with thirteen years of Catholic schooling under my belt.
 
Physically hungry, I ate to the point of gluttony, but my hunger was never satisfied. I only became overweight. Thirsty, I drank to the point of drunkenness, but my thirst was never quenched. I only became an alcoholic. Desiring money and possessions, I worked to the point of exhaustion, but I could never earn or buy enough. I only became greedy and cut-throat. Desperate for love, I sought comfort in the arms of men, but my heart remained empty and broken. I only humiliated myself and wounded others. 
 
Sadly, it took nearly forty years before I saw through the outrageous lie I’d been fed as a young woman. Providentially, at the age of sixty, I heard God’s voice calling me home to the Catholic Church, and with His grace and the Holy Spirit’s guidance, I mustered up the courage and conviction to return. 
 
You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You. – St. Augustine

 
Able again to participate in the Mass and to sit in Adoration, I began to experience snippets of the joy I had long sought. Still a recovering hedonist, though, each taste made me impatient for more. Through prayer and study, I came to understand that, as a fruit of the Holy Spirit, true joy isn’t something I have a right to or the ability to conjure up. How then, I asked myself, can I experience more of it? I set about to find out.
 
Merriam-Webster defines joy as  “a feeling of great pleasure or happiness that comes from success, good fortune, or a sense of well-being.” This, of course, is the simplest form of joy, which in reality, is better described as gladness or contentment, not the spiritually fulfilling, authentic joy gifted by the Holy Spirit. 
 
Father Hugh Barbour, O. Praem., in an interview with Catholic Answers Focus during the COVID pandemic, responded to the question of how we find joy in difficult times with, “as we grow in charity, we know that the fruit of joy will be increased in us and that will be a particular power that will show forth in its good time.” [1]
 
I interpret this to mean that, by actively serving others and practicing charity–loving God and loving our neighbor as ourselves–we experience joy. Perhaps not right away, but eventually.
 
C.S. Lewis wrote eloquently in his autobiographical Surprised by Joy, describing joy as “the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing,”[2] a description that resonates strongly with me. 
 
I, too, experience this longing in the pursuit of God. When I glimpse–even for the briefest of moments–something so beautiful, truthful, and good that it leaves me awestruck, I know that God’s grace is upon me and that He is pointing me to Himself. 
 
God blessed me with this joy twenty-seven years ago when I gazed upon the face of my newborn daughter, and again two years ago at my granddaughter’s birth. Who but God Himself could create such perfection and innocence?
 
It is the joy I sense when I watch a beautiful sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean. Who but God Himself could paint such a masterpiece using the most exquisite of color and light? 
 
It is the joy I feel when my eyes tear up and a lump forms in my throat while listening to classical music. Who but God Himself could arrange such hauntingly sublime compositions?
 
  By far, though, the joy Jesus promises us in the Gospel of St. John is the authentic joy I truly long for. It is the joy found only in a relationship with God. In knowing and accepting His Son, Jesus Christ, as my Lord and Savior. 
 
“I have told you this so that My joy may be in you
and your joy may be complete.”
John 15:11
 
“So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, 
and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.
Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, 
so that your joy may be complete.”
John 16:22, 24
 
“But now I am coming to You. I speak this in the world so that
they may share my joy completely.”
John 17:13
 
 I experience this joy when, while receiving the Eucharist or sitting in silent Adoration, I am caught off guard by the enormity and awesomeness of the true presence of Jesus Christ. Who but the Lord Himself could grace us with His body, blood, soul, and divinity, as nourishment, as sustenance, as a remembrance of Him, and as a promise to be with us always?
 
This is the authentic joy I seek, for This is God Himself. 


[1] https://www.catholic.com/audio/joy

[2] Surprised By Joy, Copyright 1955 by C. S. Lewis Pte. Ltd.